Review: James Cameron’s Avatar Is, Like, The Totally Awesomest Movie Ever

DECEMBER 24, 2009 (Los Angeles, CA) – A panel of critically-acclaimed critics agree that James Cameron’s Avatar is the most awesomest, bodacious, sweetest, dude-ical film in the history of time. Cameron, who probably either directed or produced the film, was humble in accepting the well-deserved kudos. “I set out to make the greatest movie since the movie pictures were first developed a century ago,” he explained. “And, there can be no question that we succeeded. Avatar is so beloved, its logo appears everywhere, alongside that of Coca-Cola and America, itself”

Indeed, while hundreds of millions of dollars were spent making the film, even more was spent advertising it. Indeed, one financial analyst estimates that Avatar’s advertising onslaught cost more than the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan combined. “The ‘Avatar’ logo appears on television, on bill boards, on long boards, on football fields, on Happy Meals – even advertisements for other products! Everything from knap-sacks to hacky-sacks bears this glorious symbol of Hollywood perfection – and its all thanks to me.” Indeed, the film’s advertisements also highlight Cameron’s other blockbuster films, like The Terminator, which he also (presumably) either directed or produced.

The critical survey was based on a thorough six month double-blind review of a wide range of Avatar’s advertising and product placement spots. The critics were not, however, able to review the actual film as the study began when the advertising did – approximately one year prior to the film’s release date.

Bruce Willis Hospitalized With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

DECEMBER 23, 2009 (Los Angeles, CA) – A spokesperson for Bruce Willis announced today that the action star has been hospitalized with post-traumatic stress disorder. Willis’ spokesperson explained that, “the holidays are very hard on Mr. Willis.” Willis was checked in to the medical facility by his friend, and former co-star, Brad Pitt.

The spokesperson noted that Willis had experienced extremely stressful life-threatening events during the holiday season. “It started when Mr. Willis became an unwilling participant in international terrorist Hans Gruber’s Christmas Eve takeover of Nakatomi Plaza. Then, the very next year on Christmas Eve, Mr. Willis was forced to foil a terrorist takeover of Dulles International Airport.”

When asked if Willis was confusing his real life with that of “John McClane” – the character he played in the popular Die Hard films – the spokesperson was defiant. He elaborated, “look, the facts are undeniable – the man had to jump off the roof of an exploding building with only a fire hose tied around his waist and then had to shoot his way through the glass exterior to get back in to the building – that would be extremely traumatic for anybody.” The spokesperson added that Gruber’s brother, Jeremy Irons, who also terrorized Willis, remains at large and that Willis often runs into him at holiday parties. “Surely, no one can seriously question that Jeremy Irons must be made to pay for his crimes. Certainly, Mr. Willis, and indeed the entire world, is not safe with him walking the earth as a free man. I mean – did you see The Pink Panther 2? That was an atrocity.”

Study: Dying Alone Not So Bad After All

DECEMBER 18, 2009 (Bethesda, MD) – Researchers at a government financed laboratory made a startling discovery in the early hours of Friday morning. At press conference later that day, NIH Chief Scientist Caroline Marks explained: “after years of study, we have determined that people who die together still end up dead.” Marks added that, “moreover, people who do actually die at the same time as their partner tend to die a horrific and sudden death.” She elaborated that most people who die alone, die peacefully in their beds.

The shocking news swept the nation, as long-standing couples immediately broke up, realizing that they had no real purpose to be together. Similarly, wedding halls around the country reported massive cancellations as people realized that their futile attempts at avoiding the lonely, cold clammy hands of death were futile. “I had hoped that my marriage could bring me comfort and help me through my old age it came time for me to face my maker,” explained Gregg Jones of Newport News, Virginia. “Now I realize, there is no resisting death. You might as well go it alone.”

Other couples, however, like Moira and Felix Harrington of Corpus Christi, Texas, said they would remain married. “Even if we have to die,” explained Moira, “at least we can collect the tax break before then.”

O’Reilly Claims Title In Cable News Battle Royale

NOVEMBER 29, 2009 (Las Vegas, NV) – In a highly anticipated wrestling battle royale pitting Cable News’ most controversial commentators, Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly emerged as the champion in a dramatic and hotly disputed finish.

At the beginning of the match, nearly 16 hopefuls crowded the ring. As the bell rang, a group of four newscasters immediately took hold of CNN Anchor Anderson Cooper. Fox’s Sean Hannity then gave him an “atomic wedgie” that sent him over the top rope and several rows deep into the crowd. Fox’s Greta Van Susteren and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow managed to eliminate each other when Van Susteren attempted to “clothesline” Maddow, only to send them both tumbling over the top rope.

Fan favorite Lou Dobbs, formerly of CNN, who announced before the match that it would be his last, also quickly eliminated the aging HDNet anchor, Dan “the Renegade” Rather with his trademark move the “Deporter.” Dobbs, however, was later eliminated by Fox’s Glen “the Gadfly” Beck, who knocked Dobbs out of the ring with a foreign object, out of view of the referee. Beck and co-tag team champion Hannity then eliminated MSNBC’s “Clueless” Joe Scarborough, with their finishing move, the “Tea Bag Party” – a highly athletic maneuver where the two commentators jump off the top rope in opposite corners of the ring, simultaneously striking their opponent’s head with their testicles to the joy of the crowd.

Beck, however, was eliminated himself a short time later by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, who used his trademark move, “the Screamer,” to send Beck over the top rope. Hannity then set his sights on Matthews. As he was doing so, however, MSNBC’s Pat “Crazy With A Side of Crazy” Buchanan, who was not scheduled to participate in the Battle Royale, came out of the locker room and entered the ring, knocking O’Reilly, MSNBC’s Keith Olberman unconscious. Buchanan then dragged both Hannity and Matthews out of the ring by their short hairs, eliminating the two of them.

That left O’Reilly and Olberman, who both regained their consciousness only to discover their arch rival in the ring. The two struggled for a while, until it appeared that Olberman had gained the upper hand. His victory seemed assured when he performed his finishing maneuver, the “Special Comment,” on O’Reilly. However, while Olberman was tossing O’Reilly out of the ring, Van Susteren reappeared at ringside, distracting the referee. Beck then entered the ring and knocked Olberman unconscious with a steel chair. Beck then pushed O’Reilly back into the ring just before the referee turned around. O’Reilly was then able to deliver his finishing move, the “Factor,” on Olberman and eliminate him, winning the Cable News Championship.
Cable News Commissioner Larry King called the Battle Royale after a title match during Summer Slam between O’Reilly and Olberman ended in a double-elimination. Sources close to Olberman claim that he is prepared to issue a challenge to O’Reilly at the beginning of Monday Night Raw, tomorrow night.

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Says “F@#k Healthcare”; Lauches Nukes at Fox News Headquarters; Personally Going to Kick Cheney’s Ass

NOVEMBER 17, 2009 (Washington, D.C.) – With Democratic support for health care reform bill fracturing over the so called “Stupak amendment,” restricting funding for abortion, President Obama literally threw up his arms and said, “F@#k it.” In a nationally televised Rose Garden address he continued in an unprecedented display of Presidential vulgarity, saying, “that’s right, f@#k health care reform. Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and the rest of the Democrats in Congress – f@#k you. And the Republicans, f@#k you too, you worthless pieces of s!%t.”

In the shockingly brief and direct address, the President continued, “and the insurance companies, f@#k you too, you goddamn f@#ks. I am personally canceling my health insurance now and I urge everybody else to do the same, f@#k it. And Dick Cheney, you got it coming. I am coming over to your house right now to kick your f@#king ass. You better not try to run, motherf@#ker, I will find you.” The President then quickly left the podium, briskly walking to an idling car nearby.

In an abbreviated and unusual press briefing, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that the President was in transit to former Vice President Cheney’s home and that he had also authorized a “limited, tactical nuclear strike at Fox News’ headquarters on Sixth Avenue in Manhattan.

Former Vice President Cheney’s spokesperson indicated that the former Vice President had retired to his “secret, undisclosed location.”

John Cusak Announces That He Will Save the World From Certain Doom

November 14, 2009 (Los Angeles, CA) – Celebrity-actor John Cusak announced today that he will personally save the world from disaster in late 2012, single-handedly averting world destruction. “Several months ago,” began Cusak, “my personal staff of scientists and the John Cusak Institute informed me that the world will end on December 21, 2012, just as the Mayans predicted. That is, unless I stop it.”

Cusak’s statement is an apparent reference to the Maya’s “long count” calendar which appears to mark December 21, 2012 as a significant date. Cusak continued, “yes, I could retire to a life of leisure with the other Hollywood celebrities on our previously undisclosed Mars colony. Make no mistake – our colony is beautiful, perfectly simulates a tropical earthly paradise, and they make a mean Mai-Tai. But I have decided that some things are more important than a secret underground forest that produces unlimited amounts of pure cocaine and three-boobed Martian sex slaves. No my friends, I haven’t forgotten who I am or where I come from. I will not take the easy route. I will stay and fight.”

Cusak concluded by stating that he was releasing a major motion picture that will explain his plan for saving the world in detail to all for a reasonable fee.

Many celebrities have reportedly reacted with shock and umbrage at Cusak’s announcement. Publicists confirmed on the condition of anonymity that the celebrities were “alarmed” that Cusak not only revealed that the Mars colony existed but also had personally assumed the lead role in saving the world. Multiple sources confirmed that in September, a secret group of A-list celebrities determined that Nicholas Cage would lead any future world-saving efforts. Several also caustically noted that Cusak’s Institute had quietly formed an exploratory committee in October to examine a possible bid for Governor of California. Cage, who is thought to have political ambitions of his own, reportedly "trashed" Cusak's Martian pool cabana in a fit of drunken rage.

Study: Weird Stuff Going On In Phone Booths

NOVEMBER 6, 2009 (New York, NY) – A new study has found that phone booths are overwhelming not being used for phone calls. In fact, the booths are largely being used for, in the words of the study’s director, “weird stuff.”

Many major cities, like New York, still have phone booths on almost every block. However, since the use of cellular phones became widespread within the last decade, the need for phone booths have fallen dramatically. Looking to examine what the remaining phone booths are actually being used for, scientists conducted observations of phone booths at various locations in Manhattan.

They found that the phone booths are only very rarely being used for actual phone calls. To the contrary, most of the time (52%) the booths are being used for activities that “would or should” commonly take place in a bathroom (urination – 39%, defecation 13%). Oddly, the booths were also being used for eating 7% of the time. Another 14% of the time the booths were being used for “hanging out” or “chilling.” Nine percent of the time the booths were being used for copulation or masturbation.

Leaks Reveal Obama Administration Outsourcing Most Government Functions to ACORN

NOVEMBER 6, 2009 (Washington, DC) – A series of leaks from high level government sources has revealed that the controversial community organizing group, ACORN, is running most of the government’s functions. During the 2008 presidential campaign, the group was accused of conducting fraudulent voter registration drives. The group had been involved in President Obama’s campaign during the primary election. President Obama, himself, is a former community organizer. More recently, Congress voted to eliminate most of its funding after an undercover “sting” operation revealed ACORN operatives advising individuals posing as a prostitute and pimp how to commit various crimes.

Now, however, individuals close to the President have indicated that ACORN is much more ingrained into the new administration. Among other things, the group has been meeting with General Stanley McChrystal to determine whether to increase the number of troops in Afghanistan, something which most observers agree, it is completely unqualified to do. Even more disturbing, however, are allegations that ACORN has been controlling the weather in the Eastern United States for the past six months and is currently planning the future.

Participants in the meeting claim that ACORN envisions a world where anyone making more than $20,000 per year will be taxed at 100%. ACORN then plans to redistribute the money to hippies, vagrants, and other deviants to fund pot-smoking and highly speculative purportedly “scientific” conversations. The group will then also erect statutes of Lenin and Marx in the central part of all major cities.

Vatican Positions Itself For Hostile Takeover of Church of England

OCTOBER 23, 2009 (Rome, Italy) – The Church of England originally separated from the Catholic Church in the 1500’s when King Henry VIII became increasingly frustrated with Pope Clement VII when he refused to condone the King’s first divorce in what was to become a series of marriages, some of which ended in bloodshed.

Despite that fairly entertaining beginning, the Church of England has fallen on hard times lately. The Anglican Church became increasingly boring since then as it has taken on the look and feel of many of the Protestant religions in the ensuing centuries. Attendance has plummeted and it has been rumored that priests simply read magazines to their non-existent parishioners. As it did, its market share has plummeted and those left have become increasingly divided over the role of women and homosexuals within the Anglican Church. The debate has left the Church divided, with its stock falling to less than £1 per share.

The Catholic Church, on the other hand, has remained happily consistent on these issues, continuing to deny that either group exists. In a bid to exploit the Church of England’s weakness, the Vatican is offering Anglicans €2 per share, cheap wine, and crackers to convert. Initial responses have been mixed, but Vatican insiders remain hopeful that they will soon control a 25% stake in the Church of England’s followers, and eventually assume the majority shareholder position.

Scientists Confirm That Swine Flu Targets Paranoid

OCTOBER 23, 2009 (Atlanta, GA) – Scientists at the Center for Disease Control confirmed today that the pandemic virus known as the swine flu appears to be targeting the paranoid and extremely fearful. “When the virus senses you are weak, it moves in,” explained CDC spokesperson Wanda Meeks. “The more scared you are, the more certain you are to not only contract swine flu, but die a slow horrible death from it.”

These revelations come after CDC scientists were able to correct some fundamental misperceptions about the virus. According to Meeks, the explanation is simple. “We used to think that the swine flu was similar to the traditional seasonal flu – man, we were way off!” In fact, swine flu’s unique moniker comes from the fact that it is caused by millions of microscopic pigs. “The pigs smell your fear. When they smell it, they get excited, whipping themselves into a frenzy.” This microscopic pig frenzy generates heat, increasing human body temperature and manifesting itself in a fever. The heightened body temperature then cooks the pigs, turning them into tiny “bacon-like bits.” The bacon clogs the body’s air passages and arteries alike, resulting in coughing, sneezing, and an increased risk for a massive heart attack.

The announcement has set off panic throughout the country. That hysteria has only be exacerbated by the fact that the swine flu vaccine, developed based on scientists’ initial misperceptions about the virus, has proven to increase fear and thus, spread the virus. “Yeah,” explained Meeks, “guess we blew that one too, our bad.”

Die Quickly Plan Fends Off Criticism

OCTOBER 22, 2009 (Hartford, CT) – Two weeks after being criticized on the floor of the House of Representatives by Congressman Alan Grayson (D-Florida), Die Quickly Mutual is fighting back. “Ever since Havery Die and Martin Quickly formed this company one hundred years ago, Die Quickly has been recognized as the right plan for working class families,” said CEO Rick Saunders. “If Representative Grayson doesn’t want American families on the Die Quickly plan, then his plan for the hard working people of this country might as well be the ‘Die Eventually’ plan.” (Representatives of the Die Eventually plan did not return requests for comment before the deadline for this article.)

Die Quickly also objected to Representative Grayson characterizing it as a “Republican” plan. “The Die Quickly option is available to all individuals,” explained Saunders, “regardless of their race, creed, color, or political affiliation.” Indeed, an analysis of contributions indicated that Die Quickly Mutual employees made almost as many contributions to Democrats as to Republicans.

For their part, Republicans have vehemently denied that they support enrolling uninsured Americans in the Die Quickly plan. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell chortled, “well, maybe one day it will start raining silver and snowing gold, but until then, we can’t afford to pay for all these people to go the Die Quickly route.”

Still, some doubts still linger over the Die Quickly plan. Experts at Yale have determined that nearly all participants in the Die Quickly plan have eventually died. The company remains defiant. “Sure, some of our customers have passed on,” said Saunders, “but a few lived years or even decades before their deaths.” Saunders said that he did not have any statistics on the life expectancy of Die Quickly plan participants immediately available.

Rest of World Awards Obama Peace Consolation Prize In Lieu of Actual Peace

OCTOBER 10, 2009 (Oslo, Norway) – U.S. President Barack Obama was swept into office last November on a platform of change, hope, peace, love, and general grooviness. The rest of the world lobbied America hard to elect the non-white agent of change, suggesting that it would reduce its generally high level of spikiness towards the world’s primary superpower and premier t-shirt producing nation.

However, in the nine months since taking office, Obama has generally found it a tough road to hoe with the U.S.’s traditional allies and enemies alike. Wars continue to rage in Afghanistan and Iraq, with weakening Western support. North Korea and Iran continue to pursue weapons of mass destruction. And the Israelis and Palestinians are refusing to even sit down to discuss their now six decade old dispute.

(While Obama does appear to have inspired indie-rock legends Pavement to reunite, their first shows are not scheduled until May of 2010, and many have serious doubts as to whether mercurial lead singer Stephen Malkmus will actually go through with the reunion.)

Against this backdrop, the Nobel Committee awarded Obama its coveted Peace Prize, citing his, “extraordinary participation” in the world community. The Committee further noted that the “participation” trophy was awarded to Obama because of the stark contrast with the prior administration, which favored war over peace, told the rest of the world to “go f*?#” itself, and stole Christmas every year from 2003 through 2007.

McState of New York Announces Sponsorship Deal With McDonald’s

OCTOBER 3, 2009 (Albany, N.Y.) – Facing sinking poll numbers, budget shortfalls, and even a Presidential rebuff, McGovernor David Paterson announced today that the McState of New York had entered into a strategic sponsorship deal with the fast food chain McDonald’s. Under the terms of the deal, the most government positions and even the sovereignty itself (formerly known as the “State” of New York), were renamed to add the distinctive McDonald’s “Mc” prefix. In addition, all signs at the McState’s borders welcoming visitors will be replaced with McDonald’s amber arches. Cafeterias in all McState office buildings and public schools will also be replaced with McDonald’s restaurants. Under the final terms of the deal, which were slightly more controversial, McDonald’s will also assume full control over the New York National Guard and McDonald’s spokesperson, Ronald McDonald, will be appointed as the McState Health Commissioner.

McGovernor Paterson’s only comment was, “I’m lovin’ it” – invoking one of McDonald’s advertising slogans. (The McGovernor’s aides indicated he was enjoying his lunch, consisting of a Supersized BigMac Value Meal, as dictated by the terms of the sponsorship agreement.)

The deal was struck through an Executive Order issued by the McGovernor as the New York McState Senate has been in a state of “low-level” civil war since early June of this year. Republican Senate Leader Dean Skelos criticized the deal, arguing that the McState could have gotten a better deal with Burger King.

A number of other states with budget problems are also considering sponsorship deals. At the end of the fiscal year, Arizona is expected to become the State of Arizona Iced Tea and Hawaii will become the Hawaiian Tropic State of Hawaii. The nation’s largest state, California, is reportedly in discussions with Quicksilver, Smoothie King, and the upcoming Michael Bay film, Transformers 3.

The prospect of sponsorship deals have also inspired turf wars between various branches of federal, state, and local government. Pennsylvania recently outlawed a deal between the City of Philadelphia and Tastykake in order to pursue its own deal with the junk food company, with Governor Ed Rendell defiantly noting that, “it is Pennsylvania that proudly holds the title of fatest state in America, not the City of Philadelphia.” The Federal Trade Commission also recently stepped in to stop Montana from renaming itself “Marlboro Country.”

Israel Denies Iran’s Existence: Declares It To Be "Not In Use"

SEPTEMBER 24, 2009 (New York, N.Y.) – Perhaps it was Iran’s repeated refusal to recognize Israel’s right to exist. Perhaps it was Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s recent repeated denial that the Holocaust occurred. Regardless, the Israeli government appears to have officially taken the position that Iran “does not exist.”

On Wednesday, the Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly got up and left prior to Mr. Ahmadinejad’s widely publicized speech. Netanyahu’s move was not a surprise, since Israel regularly boycott’s the Iranian leader’s speeches. However, Mr. Netanyahu’s explanation came as a bit of a surprise: “the speeches are over,” he proclaimed as he left. When later asked what he meant, Mr. Netanyahu explained, “there was no one left to speak, so there was no reason to stay.” When asked about Mr. Ahmadinejad’s speech, Mr. Netanyahu claimed ignorance. “Who? Never heard of the guy.” Later, Israel suggested that the offices used by the Iranian delegation be converted to a “janitor’s closet” since they were “not in use.”

Shortly after the comments, globes and maps began appearing in Israel with no indication as the name of or existence of a country where Iran is located. The Israeli Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman later explained that, “since nothing exists in the area formerly known as Persia, it would probably be a good place to set up some new settlements.”

Congressman’s Outburst Reveals Larger Plot to Derail Healthcare With “Unorthodox” Tactics

SEPTEMBER 24, 2009 (Washington, D.C.) – The two weeks following Congressman Joe Wilson’s now infamous outburst during President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress on health care have marked the unveiling of a larger plot by the Republican opposition to bring down the President’s plan through a series of juvenile pranks.

Within days, Republican Congressional staffers assaulted White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs during a press briefing with a barrage of spitballs. A flaming bag of dog excrement was discovered in the doorway at the home of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and former President Bill Clinton. Eggs were hurled from a fast moving vehicle at the home of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada). Senator John Tester (D-Montana) arrived home to his ranch to find all of his cows tipped over.

But it didn’t end there. A group of Republican Congressmen began following Vice-President Joe Biden around during all of his public appearances chanting, “Bi-den, Bi-den.” The chants resembled a derogatory cheer used by opposing baseball fans to deride former New York Mets outfielder Darryl Strawberry. Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) similarly complained about a group of Republican Senators following her around making catcalls. Then, yesterday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was found attempting to slip a whoopee cushion under ailing Senator Robert C. Byrd as he gavelled the Senate to order.

Republican Congressman Zack Wamp (R-Tennessee) declared that these acts “are just the beginning.” Wamp outlined a larger scheme, explaining that should a health care reform bill ever pass the Senate they plan to abduct President Obama and “bring him down to the basement.” There, according to Wamp, “we’re gonna take it to Defcon 5.” Obama, reminiscent of fraternity hazing, would then be subjected to forcible consumption of pure grain alcohol, induced vomiting, followed by forcible consumption of the induced vomit. With a gleam in his eye, Wamp declared, “he’s soft, ‘hell week’ is gonna break ‘em!”

In another maneuver culled from the play book of male junior high school insults, G.O.P. insiders revealed that they were looking to “move in” on the President’s “girl.” This afternoon, Senator John Cornyn (R-Texas), allegedly sent an email to First Lady Michelle Obama asking if she wanted to come over to “his place” to “study” the bill. Cornyn reportedly became increasingly nervous after several hours passed without receiving a reply from the First Lady. (Aides have reportedly restrained the Senator from resending the email after he decided that “there must have been some problem and she didn’t get it.”)

Senator Al Franken (D-Minnesota), author of Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations, decried the campaign of pranks. “These are the world’s greatest democratic institutions. Decorum demands that my good colleagues pay a bit more respect to the traditions of our great deliberative bodies than a bunch of luded-up teenagers out on Gate Night.”

But according to some on the right, while their current tactics may be “unorthodox,” the Democrats “started it.” One Republican Congressman, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had been “beating up” most of the Republican delegation from California since at least 2006 and “stealing” their “lunch money.”

Obama’s Death Panel Nominations Leaked: Kevorkian Tapped As Chairman

SEPTEMBER 8, 2009 (Washington, D.C.) – In a stunning contradiction of official White House policy, aides to President Obama have leaked a short list of individuals expected to be nominated to government-run “Death Panel” that will go into effect once the President’s health care reform plan is passed.

According to official correspondence, the Death Panels (officially titled the Reduction of Excess American Population Examination and Review, or “REAPER” Panel) will be headed by Dr. Jack Kevorkian, also known as “Dr. Death” for his advocacy of assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. In a quote that is widely circulating on cable news, but remains unconfirmed, Kevorkian was reportedly overheard saying that “autistic babies and grandparents will be the first to go.”

The Death Panels will be officially charged with determining whether the sick, infirm, and elderly will be provided with health care or put to sleep. The Congressional Budget Office estimates indicate that the move will save at least $480 billion over the next ten years; however, even with the meek and infirm being eliminated, the CBO still indicates that the U.S. deficit will exceed one trillion dollars. Some believe that if the tired, huddled masses yearning to breathe free are also included in the Death Panel review, the U.S. could return to fiscal stability by 2020.

The short list also includes the names of other proposed committee members. In a move sure to raise some eyebrows, former domestic terrorist and close friend of President Obama, Bill Ayers was included. Some insiders also suggested that President Obama would officially pardon the "Unabomber," Ted Kaczynski, so that he can participate. Other insiders revealed that "Hannibal Lecter," the serial killer in The Silence of the Lambs, was also on the short list until he was discovered to be a fictional character. Anthony Hopkins, the actor who portrayed Lecter in the film, acknowledged that he had conversations with the President's aides, but declined to comment on the substance of those communications. A White House advisor defended the list, commenting, “hey, if we’re going to return this country to fiscal solvency and provide health care to the middle class we’re going to have to kill off some of the low hanging fruit, and well, we're just looking for folks have experience getting that done.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner voiced skepticism for the proposal, arguing that the sick and infirm should be sent to the front lines in the never ending War on Terror to die a virtuous death in battle instead of merely being put to sleep in a government run facility. “Just give these people some glory,” explained Boehner, “that’s what I say – hell, that’s how I’d want to go.”

Investigative Report: FreeCreditReport.com Guy Actually Has Good Credit

AUGUST 10, 2009 (Martinsburg, W.V.) – This is the first of a nine part series investigating the details underneath the comforting façade of the freecreditreport.com pitchman, Duane Jones. While Jones plays a dead-beat “everyman” on the popular television ad series, he is, in fact, a quite wealthy and sophisticated investor. And, contrary to his on-air persona, the state of his finances and credit are, in fact, excellent.

Jones, a West Virginia native, got straight A’s through grade school, until attending the prestigious University of Chicago, where he received a bachelor’s degree in Economics, summa cum laude. He went on to receive his PhD at the London School of Economics, completing the five year program in a record two and one half years.

After graduating, he went to work for a number of Fortune 500 companies before landing at freecreditreport.com. At every step of the way, however, HR records indicate that Jones maxed out his 401k contributions and savvily invested large portions of his disposable income, while hiring illegal migrant workers to do most of his labor for him.

Next Week: Learn how Jones lost his virginity to a farm animal before leaving for Chicago where he roofied his first girlfriend.

Later: Jones admits that he lip-synched the entire first three years worth of freecreditreport.com commercials.

Government Announces Bailout of AMC

JUNE 5, 2009 (Washington, D.C.) - The Obama Administration announced today that the Federal Government will bail out American Motors Corporation. A long standing U.S. based automaker, AMC produced popular models such as the Rambler, Gremlin, and Hornet. AMC was known for using innovative strategies to challenge the Big Three U.S. auto manufacturers, including the early pioneering of battery technology for electric cars. However, the company fell on hard times and ran out of cash. The Obama Administration announced that the bailout was necessary in order to save thousands of jobs and continue to revive the domestic auto industry.

According to the plan, the Government will take a 60% stake in AMC, with the UAW taking 38% and bondholders receiving the remaining 2%. The Government believes that AMC can be revived with the introduction of the Gremlin Hybrid in 2011 (see sketch of concept car).

Critics of the plan point out that AMC actually ran out of cash in 1988, when its Jeep and Eagle models were absorbed by Chrysler, suggesting that the bailout is both unnecessary and belated. They further note that AMC’s main plant is located in Wisconsin, an electoral swing state.