SEPTEMBER 8, 2009 (Washington, D.C.) – In a stunning contradiction of official White House policy, aides to President Obama have leaked a short list of individuals expected to be nominated to government-run “Death Panel” that will go into effect once the President’s health care reform plan is passed.
According to official correspondence, the Death Panels (officially titled the Reduction of Excess American Population Examination and Review, or “REAPER” Panel) will be headed by Dr. Jack Kevorkian, also known as “Dr. Death” for his advocacy of assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. In a quote that is widely circulating on cable news, but remains unconfirmed, Kevorkian was reportedly overheard saying that “autistic babies and grandparents will be the first to go.”
The Death Panels will be officially charged with determining whether the sick, infirm, and elderly will be provided with health care or put to sleep. The Congressional Budget Office estimates indicate that the move will save at least $480 billion over the next ten years; however, even with the meek and infirm being eliminated, the CBO still indicates that the U.S. deficit will exceed one trillion dollars. Some believe that if the tired, huddled masses yearning to breathe free are also included in the Death Panel review, the U.S. could return to fiscal stability by 2020.
The short list also includes the names of other proposed committee members. In a move sure to raise some eyebrows, former domestic terrorist and close friend of President Obama, Bill Ayers was included. Some insiders also suggested that President Obama would officially pardon the "Unabomber," Ted Kaczynski, so that he can participate. Other insiders revealed that "Hannibal Lecter," the serial killer in The Silence of the Lambs, was also on the short list until he was discovered to be a fictional character. Anthony Hopkins, the actor who portrayed Lecter in the film, acknowledged that he had conversations with the President's aides, but declined to comment on the substance of those communications. A White House advisor defended the list, commenting, “hey, if we’re going to return this country to fiscal solvency and provide health care to the middle class we’re going to have to kill off some of the low hanging fruit, and well, we're just looking for folks have experience getting that done.”
According to official correspondence, the Death Panels (officially titled the Reduction of Excess American Population Examination and Review, or “REAPER” Panel) will be headed by Dr. Jack Kevorkian, also known as “Dr. Death” for his advocacy of assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. In a quote that is widely circulating on cable news, but remains unconfirmed, Kevorkian was reportedly overheard saying that “autistic babies and grandparents will be the first to go.”
The Death Panels will be officially charged with determining whether the sick, infirm, and elderly will be provided with health care or put to sleep. The Congressional Budget Office estimates indicate that the move will save at least $480 billion over the next ten years; however, even with the meek and infirm being eliminated, the CBO still indicates that the U.S. deficit will exceed one trillion dollars. Some believe that if the tired, huddled masses yearning to breathe free are also included in the Death Panel review, the U.S. could return to fiscal stability by 2020.
The short list also includes the names of other proposed committee members. In a move sure to raise some eyebrows, former domestic terrorist and close friend of President Obama, Bill Ayers was included. Some insiders also suggested that President Obama would officially pardon the "Unabomber," Ted Kaczynski, so that he can participate. Other insiders revealed that "Hannibal Lecter," the serial killer in The Silence of the Lambs, was also on the short list until he was discovered to be a fictional character. Anthony Hopkins, the actor who portrayed Lecter in the film, acknowledged that he had conversations with the President's aides, but declined to comment on the substance of those communications. A White House advisor defended the list, commenting, “hey, if we’re going to return this country to fiscal solvency and provide health care to the middle class we’re going to have to kill off some of the low hanging fruit, and well, we're just looking for folks have experience getting that done.”
House Minority Leader John Boehner voiced skepticism for the proposal, arguing that the sick and infirm should be sent to the front lines in the never ending War on Terror to die a virtuous death in battle instead of merely being put to sleep in a government run facility. “Just give these people some glory,” explained Boehner, “that’s what I say – hell, that’s how I’d want to go.”
No comments:
Post a Comment