Vatican Positions Itself For Hostile Takeover of Church of England

OCTOBER 23, 2009 (Rome, Italy) – The Church of England originally separated from the Catholic Church in the 1500’s when King Henry VIII became increasingly frustrated with Pope Clement VII when he refused to condone the King’s first divorce in what was to become a series of marriages, some of which ended in bloodshed.

Despite that fairly entertaining beginning, the Church of England has fallen on hard times lately. The Anglican Church became increasingly boring since then as it has taken on the look and feel of many of the Protestant religions in the ensuing centuries. Attendance has plummeted and it has been rumored that priests simply read magazines to their non-existent parishioners. As it did, its market share has plummeted and those left have become increasingly divided over the role of women and homosexuals within the Anglican Church. The debate has left the Church divided, with its stock falling to less than £1 per share.

The Catholic Church, on the other hand, has remained happily consistent on these issues, continuing to deny that either group exists. In a bid to exploit the Church of England’s weakness, the Vatican is offering Anglicans €2 per share, cheap wine, and crackers to convert. Initial responses have been mixed, but Vatican insiders remain hopeful that they will soon control a 25% stake in the Church of England’s followers, and eventually assume the majority shareholder position.