Scientists Confirm That Swine Flu Targets Paranoid

OCTOBER 23, 2009 (Atlanta, GA) – Scientists at the Center for Disease Control confirmed today that the pandemic virus known as the swine flu appears to be targeting the paranoid and extremely fearful. “When the virus senses you are weak, it moves in,” explained CDC spokesperson Wanda Meeks. “The more scared you are, the more certain you are to not only contract swine flu, but die a slow horrible death from it.”

These revelations come after CDC scientists were able to correct some fundamental misperceptions about the virus. According to Meeks, the explanation is simple. “We used to think that the swine flu was similar to the traditional seasonal flu – man, we were way off!” In fact, swine flu’s unique moniker comes from the fact that it is caused by millions of microscopic pigs. “The pigs smell your fear. When they smell it, they get excited, whipping themselves into a frenzy.” This microscopic pig frenzy generates heat, increasing human body temperature and manifesting itself in a fever. The heightened body temperature then cooks the pigs, turning them into tiny “bacon-like bits.” The bacon clogs the body’s air passages and arteries alike, resulting in coughing, sneezing, and an increased risk for a massive heart attack.

The announcement has set off panic throughout the country. That hysteria has only be exacerbated by the fact that the swine flu vaccine, developed based on scientists’ initial misperceptions about the virus, has proven to increase fear and thus, spread the virus. “Yeah,” explained Meeks, “guess we blew that one too, our bad.”