Die Quickly Plan Fends Off Criticism

OCTOBER 22, 2009 (Hartford, CT) – Two weeks after being criticized on the floor of the House of Representatives by Congressman Alan Grayson (D-Florida), Die Quickly Mutual is fighting back. “Ever since Havery Die and Martin Quickly formed this company one hundred years ago, Die Quickly has been recognized as the right plan for working class families,” said CEO Rick Saunders. “If Representative Grayson doesn’t want American families on the Die Quickly plan, then his plan for the hard working people of this country might as well be the ‘Die Eventually’ plan.” (Representatives of the Die Eventually plan did not return requests for comment before the deadline for this article.)

Die Quickly also objected to Representative Grayson characterizing it as a “Republican” plan. “The Die Quickly option is available to all individuals,” explained Saunders, “regardless of their race, creed, color, or political affiliation.” Indeed, an analysis of contributions indicated that Die Quickly Mutual employees made almost as many contributions to Democrats as to Republicans.

For their part, Republicans have vehemently denied that they support enrolling uninsured Americans in the Die Quickly plan. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell chortled, “well, maybe one day it will start raining silver and snowing gold, but until then, we can’t afford to pay for all these people to go the Die Quickly route.”

Still, some doubts still linger over the Die Quickly plan. Experts at Yale have determined that nearly all participants in the Die Quickly plan have eventually died. The company remains defiant. “Sure, some of our customers have passed on,” said Saunders, “but a few lived years or even decades before their deaths.” Saunders said that he did not have any statistics on the life expectancy of Die Quickly plan participants immediately available.