Study: Dying Alone Not So Bad After All

DECEMBER 18, 2009 (Bethesda, MD) – Researchers at a government financed laboratory made a startling discovery in the early hours of Friday morning. At press conference later that day, NIH Chief Scientist Caroline Marks explained: “after years of study, we have determined that people who die together still end up dead.” Marks added that, “moreover, people who do actually die at the same time as their partner tend to die a horrific and sudden death.” She elaborated that most people who die alone, die peacefully in their beds.

The shocking news swept the nation, as long-standing couples immediately broke up, realizing that they had no real purpose to be together. Similarly, wedding halls around the country reported massive cancellations as people realized that their futile attempts at avoiding the lonely, cold clammy hands of death were futile. “I had hoped that my marriage could bring me comfort and help me through my old age it came time for me to face my maker,” explained Gregg Jones of Newport News, Virginia. “Now I realize, there is no resisting death. You might as well go it alone.”

Other couples, however, like Moira and Felix Harrington of Corpus Christi, Texas, said they would remain married. “Even if we have to die,” explained Moira, “at least we can collect the tax break before then.”