November 14, 2009 (Los Angeles, CA) – Celebrity-actor John Cusak announced today that he will personally save the world from disaster in late 2012, single-handedly averting world destruction. “Several months ago,” began Cusak, “my personal staff of scientists and the John Cusak Institute informed me that the world will end on December 21, 2012, just as the Mayans predicted. That is, unless I stop it.”Cusak’s statement is an apparent reference to the Maya’s “long count” calendar which appears to mark December 21, 2012 as a significant date. Cusak continued, “yes, I could retire to a life of leisure with the other Hollywood celebrities on our previously undisclosed Mars colony. Make no mistake – our colony is beautiful, perfectly simulates a tropical earthly paradise, and they make a mean Mai-Tai. But I have decided that some things are more important than a secret underground forest that produces unlimited amounts of pure cocaine and three-boobed Martian sex slaves. No my friends, I haven’t forgotten who I am or where I come from. I will not take the easy route. I will stay and fight.”
Cusak concluded by stating that he was releasing a major motion picture that will explain his plan for saving the world in detail to all for a reasonable fee.
Many celebrities have reportedly reacted with shock and umbrage at Cusak’s announcement. Publicists confirmed on the condition of anonymity that the celebrities were “alarmed” that Cusak not only revealed that the Mars colony existed but also had personally assumed the lead role in saving the world. Multiple sources confirmed that in September, a secret group of A-list celebrities determined that Nicholas Cage would lead any future world-saving efforts. Several also caustically noted that Cusak’s Institute had quietly formed an exploratory committee in October to examine a possible bid for Governor of California. Cage, who is thought to have political ambitions of his own, reportedly "trashed" Cusak's Martian pool cabana in a fit of drunken rage.
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