Congressman’s Outburst Reveals Larger Plot to Derail Healthcare With “Unorthodox” Tactics

SEPTEMBER 24, 2009 (Washington, D.C.) – The two weeks following Congressman Joe Wilson’s now infamous outburst during President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress on health care have marked the unveiling of a larger plot by the Republican opposition to bring down the President’s plan through a series of juvenile pranks.

Within days, Republican Congressional staffers assaulted White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs during a press briefing with a barrage of spitballs. A flaming bag of dog excrement was discovered in the doorway at the home of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and former President Bill Clinton. Eggs were hurled from a fast moving vehicle at the home of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada). Senator John Tester (D-Montana) arrived home to his ranch to find all of his cows tipped over.

But it didn’t end there. A group of Republican Congressmen began following Vice-President Joe Biden around during all of his public appearances chanting, “Bi-den, Bi-den.” The chants resembled a derogatory cheer used by opposing baseball fans to deride former New York Mets outfielder Darryl Strawberry. Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) similarly complained about a group of Republican Senators following her around making catcalls. Then, yesterday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was found attempting to slip a whoopee cushion under ailing Senator Robert C. Byrd as he gavelled the Senate to order.

Republican Congressman Zack Wamp (R-Tennessee) declared that these acts “are just the beginning.” Wamp outlined a larger scheme, explaining that should a health care reform bill ever pass the Senate they plan to abduct President Obama and “bring him down to the basement.” There, according to Wamp, “we’re gonna take it to Defcon 5.” Obama, reminiscent of fraternity hazing, would then be subjected to forcible consumption of pure grain alcohol, induced vomiting, followed by forcible consumption of the induced vomit. With a gleam in his eye, Wamp declared, “he’s soft, ‘hell week’ is gonna break ‘em!”

In another maneuver culled from the play book of male junior high school insults, G.O.P. insiders revealed that they were looking to “move in” on the President’s “girl.” This afternoon, Senator John Cornyn (R-Texas), allegedly sent an email to First Lady Michelle Obama asking if she wanted to come over to “his place” to “study” the bill. Cornyn reportedly became increasingly nervous after several hours passed without receiving a reply from the First Lady. (Aides have reportedly restrained the Senator from resending the email after he decided that “there must have been some problem and she didn’t get it.”)

Senator Al Franken (D-Minnesota), author of Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations, decried the campaign of pranks. “These are the world’s greatest democratic institutions. Decorum demands that my good colleagues pay a bit more respect to the traditions of our great deliberative bodies than a bunch of luded-up teenagers out on Gate Night.”

But according to some on the right, while their current tactics may be “unorthodox,” the Democrats “started it.” One Republican Congressman, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had been “beating up” most of the Republican delegation from California since at least 2006 and “stealing” their “lunch money.”