O’Reilly Claims Title In Cable News Battle Royale

NOVEMBER 29, 2009 (Las Vegas, NV) – In a highly anticipated wrestling battle royale pitting Cable News’ most controversial commentators, Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly emerged as the champion in a dramatic and hotly disputed finish.

At the beginning of the match, nearly 16 hopefuls crowded the ring. As the bell rang, a group of four newscasters immediately took hold of CNN Anchor Anderson Cooper. Fox’s Sean Hannity then gave him an “atomic wedgie” that sent him over the top rope and several rows deep into the crowd. Fox’s Greta Van Susteren and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow managed to eliminate each other when Van Susteren attempted to “clothesline” Maddow, only to send them both tumbling over the top rope.

Fan favorite Lou Dobbs, formerly of CNN, who announced before the match that it would be his last, also quickly eliminated the aging HDNet anchor, Dan “the Renegade” Rather with his trademark move the “Deporter.” Dobbs, however, was later eliminated by Fox’s Glen “the Gadfly” Beck, who knocked Dobbs out of the ring with a foreign object, out of view of the referee. Beck and co-tag team champion Hannity then eliminated MSNBC’s “Clueless” Joe Scarborough, with their finishing move, the “Tea Bag Party” – a highly athletic maneuver where the two commentators jump off the top rope in opposite corners of the ring, simultaneously striking their opponent’s head with their testicles to the joy of the crowd.

Beck, however, was eliminated himself a short time later by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, who used his trademark move, “the Screamer,” to send Beck over the top rope. Hannity then set his sights on Matthews. As he was doing so, however, MSNBC’s Pat “Crazy With A Side of Crazy” Buchanan, who was not scheduled to participate in the Battle Royale, came out of the locker room and entered the ring, knocking O’Reilly, MSNBC’s Keith Olberman unconscious. Buchanan then dragged both Hannity and Matthews out of the ring by their short hairs, eliminating the two of them.

That left O’Reilly and Olberman, who both regained their consciousness only to discover their arch rival in the ring. The two struggled for a while, until it appeared that Olberman had gained the upper hand. His victory seemed assured when he performed his finishing maneuver, the “Special Comment,” on O’Reilly. However, while Olberman was tossing O’Reilly out of the ring, Van Susteren reappeared at ringside, distracting the referee. Beck then entered the ring and knocked Olberman unconscious with a steel chair. Beck then pushed O’Reilly back into the ring just before the referee turned around. O’Reilly was then able to deliver his finishing move, the “Factor,” on Olberman and eliminate him, winning the Cable News Championship.
Cable News Commissioner Larry King called the Battle Royale after a title match during Summer Slam between O’Reilly and Olberman ended in a double-elimination. Sources close to Olberman claim that he is prepared to issue a challenge to O’Reilly at the beginning of Monday Night Raw, tomorrow night.