O’Reilly Claims Title In Cable News Battle Royale

NOVEMBER 29, 2009 (Las Vegas, NV) – In a highly anticipated wrestling battle royale pitting Cable News’ most controversial commentators, Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly emerged as the champion in a dramatic and hotly disputed finish.

At the beginning of the match, nearly 16 hopefuls crowded the ring. As the bell rang, a group of four newscasters immediately took hold of CNN Anchor Anderson Cooper. Fox’s Sean Hannity then gave him an “atomic wedgie” that sent him over the top rope and several rows deep into the crowd. Fox’s Greta Van Susteren and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow managed to eliminate each other when Van Susteren attempted to “clothesline” Maddow, only to send them both tumbling over the top rope.

Fan favorite Lou Dobbs, formerly of CNN, who announced before the match that it would be his last, also quickly eliminated the aging HDNet anchor, Dan “the Renegade” Rather with his trademark move the “Deporter.” Dobbs, however, was later eliminated by Fox’s Glen “the Gadfly” Beck, who knocked Dobbs out of the ring with a foreign object, out of view of the referee. Beck and co-tag team champion Hannity then eliminated MSNBC’s “Clueless” Joe Scarborough, with their finishing move, the “Tea Bag Party” – a highly athletic maneuver where the two commentators jump off the top rope in opposite corners of the ring, simultaneously striking their opponent’s head with their testicles to the joy of the crowd.

Beck, however, was eliminated himself a short time later by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, who used his trademark move, “the Screamer,” to send Beck over the top rope. Hannity then set his sights on Matthews. As he was doing so, however, MSNBC’s Pat “Crazy With A Side of Crazy” Buchanan, who was not scheduled to participate in the Battle Royale, came out of the locker room and entered the ring, knocking O’Reilly, MSNBC’s Keith Olberman unconscious. Buchanan then dragged both Hannity and Matthews out of the ring by their short hairs, eliminating the two of them.

That left O’Reilly and Olberman, who both regained their consciousness only to discover their arch rival in the ring. The two struggled for a while, until it appeared that Olberman had gained the upper hand. His victory seemed assured when he performed his finishing maneuver, the “Special Comment,” on O’Reilly. However, while Olberman was tossing O’Reilly out of the ring, Van Susteren reappeared at ringside, distracting the referee. Beck then entered the ring and knocked Olberman unconscious with a steel chair. Beck then pushed O’Reilly back into the ring just before the referee turned around. O’Reilly was then able to deliver his finishing move, the “Factor,” on Olberman and eliminate him, winning the Cable News Championship.
Cable News Commissioner Larry King called the Battle Royale after a title match during Summer Slam between O’Reilly and Olberman ended in a double-elimination. Sources close to Olberman claim that he is prepared to issue a challenge to O’Reilly at the beginning of Monday Night Raw, tomorrow night.

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Says “F@#k Healthcare”; Lauches Nukes at Fox News Headquarters; Personally Going to Kick Cheney’s Ass

NOVEMBER 17, 2009 (Washington, D.C.) – With Democratic support for health care reform bill fracturing over the so called “Stupak amendment,” restricting funding for abortion, President Obama literally threw up his arms and said, “F@#k it.” In a nationally televised Rose Garden address he continued in an unprecedented display of Presidential vulgarity, saying, “that’s right, f@#k health care reform. Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and the rest of the Democrats in Congress – f@#k you. And the Republicans, f@#k you too, you worthless pieces of s!%t.”

In the shockingly brief and direct address, the President continued, “and the insurance companies, f@#k you too, you goddamn f@#ks. I am personally canceling my health insurance now and I urge everybody else to do the same, f@#k it. And Dick Cheney, you got it coming. I am coming over to your house right now to kick your f@#king ass. You better not try to run, motherf@#ker, I will find you.” The President then quickly left the podium, briskly walking to an idling car nearby.

In an abbreviated and unusual press briefing, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that the President was in transit to former Vice President Cheney’s home and that he had also authorized a “limited, tactical nuclear strike at Fox News’ headquarters on Sixth Avenue in Manhattan.

Former Vice President Cheney’s spokesperson indicated that the former Vice President had retired to his “secret, undisclosed location.”

John Cusak Announces That He Will Save the World From Certain Doom

November 14, 2009 (Los Angeles, CA) – Celebrity-actor John Cusak announced today that he will personally save the world from disaster in late 2012, single-handedly averting world destruction. “Several months ago,” began Cusak, “my personal staff of scientists and the John Cusak Institute informed me that the world will end on December 21, 2012, just as the Mayans predicted. That is, unless I stop it.”

Cusak’s statement is an apparent reference to the Maya’s “long count” calendar which appears to mark December 21, 2012 as a significant date. Cusak continued, “yes, I could retire to a life of leisure with the other Hollywood celebrities on our previously undisclosed Mars colony. Make no mistake – our colony is beautiful, perfectly simulates a tropical earthly paradise, and they make a mean Mai-Tai. But I have decided that some things are more important than a secret underground forest that produces unlimited amounts of pure cocaine and three-boobed Martian sex slaves. No my friends, I haven’t forgotten who I am or where I come from. I will not take the easy route. I will stay and fight.”

Cusak concluded by stating that he was releasing a major motion picture that will explain his plan for saving the world in detail to all for a reasonable fee.

Many celebrities have reportedly reacted with shock and umbrage at Cusak’s announcement. Publicists confirmed on the condition of anonymity that the celebrities were “alarmed” that Cusak not only revealed that the Mars colony existed but also had personally assumed the lead role in saving the world. Multiple sources confirmed that in September, a secret group of A-list celebrities determined that Nicholas Cage would lead any future world-saving efforts. Several also caustically noted that Cusak’s Institute had quietly formed an exploratory committee in October to examine a possible bid for Governor of California. Cage, who is thought to have political ambitions of his own, reportedly "trashed" Cusak's Martian pool cabana in a fit of drunken rage.

Study: Weird Stuff Going On In Phone Booths

NOVEMBER 6, 2009 (New York, NY) – A new study has found that phone booths are overwhelming not being used for phone calls. In fact, the booths are largely being used for, in the words of the study’s director, “weird stuff.”

Many major cities, like New York, still have phone booths on almost every block. However, since the use of cellular phones became widespread within the last decade, the need for phone booths have fallen dramatically. Looking to examine what the remaining phone booths are actually being used for, scientists conducted observations of phone booths at various locations in Manhattan.

They found that the phone booths are only very rarely being used for actual phone calls. To the contrary, most of the time (52%) the booths are being used for activities that “would or should” commonly take place in a bathroom (urination – 39%, defecation 13%). Oddly, the booths were also being used for eating 7% of the time. Another 14% of the time the booths were being used for “hanging out” or “chilling.” Nine percent of the time the booths were being used for copulation or masturbation.

Leaks Reveal Obama Administration Outsourcing Most Government Functions to ACORN

NOVEMBER 6, 2009 (Washington, DC) – A series of leaks from high level government sources has revealed that the controversial community organizing group, ACORN, is running most of the government’s functions. During the 2008 presidential campaign, the group was accused of conducting fraudulent voter registration drives. The group had been involved in President Obama’s campaign during the primary election. President Obama, himself, is a former community organizer. More recently, Congress voted to eliminate most of its funding after an undercover “sting” operation revealed ACORN operatives advising individuals posing as a prostitute and pimp how to commit various crimes.

Now, however, individuals close to the President have indicated that ACORN is much more ingrained into the new administration. Among other things, the group has been meeting with General Stanley McChrystal to determine whether to increase the number of troops in Afghanistan, something which most observers agree, it is completely unqualified to do. Even more disturbing, however, are allegations that ACORN has been controlling the weather in the Eastern United States for the past six months and is currently planning the future.

Participants in the meeting claim that ACORN envisions a world where anyone making more than $20,000 per year will be taxed at 100%. ACORN then plans to redistribute the money to hippies, vagrants, and other deviants to fund pot-smoking and highly speculative purportedly “scientific” conversations. The group will then also erect statutes of Lenin and Marx in the central part of all major cities.

Vatican Positions Itself For Hostile Takeover of Church of England

OCTOBER 23, 2009 (Rome, Italy) – The Church of England originally separated from the Catholic Church in the 1500’s when King Henry VIII became increasingly frustrated with Pope Clement VII when he refused to condone the King’s first divorce in what was to become a series of marriages, some of which ended in bloodshed.

Despite that fairly entertaining beginning, the Church of England has fallen on hard times lately. The Anglican Church became increasingly boring since then as it has taken on the look and feel of many of the Protestant religions in the ensuing centuries. Attendance has plummeted and it has been rumored that priests simply read magazines to their non-existent parishioners. As it did, its market share has plummeted and those left have become increasingly divided over the role of women and homosexuals within the Anglican Church. The debate has left the Church divided, with its stock falling to less than £1 per share.

The Catholic Church, on the other hand, has remained happily consistent on these issues, continuing to deny that either group exists. In a bid to exploit the Church of England’s weakness, the Vatican is offering Anglicans €2 per share, cheap wine, and crackers to convert. Initial responses have been mixed, but Vatican insiders remain hopeful that they will soon control a 25% stake in the Church of England’s followers, and eventually assume the majority shareholder position.