Scientists Confirm That Swine Flu Targets Paranoid

OCTOBER 23, 2009 (Atlanta, GA) – Scientists at the Center for Disease Control confirmed today that the pandemic virus known as the swine flu appears to be targeting the paranoid and extremely fearful. “When the virus senses you are weak, it moves in,” explained CDC spokesperson Wanda Meeks. “The more scared you are, the more certain you are to not only contract swine flu, but die a slow horrible death from it.”

These revelations come after CDC scientists were able to correct some fundamental misperceptions about the virus. According to Meeks, the explanation is simple. “We used to think that the swine flu was similar to the traditional seasonal flu – man, we were way off!” In fact, swine flu’s unique moniker comes from the fact that it is caused by millions of microscopic pigs. “The pigs smell your fear. When they smell it, they get excited, whipping themselves into a frenzy.” This microscopic pig frenzy generates heat, increasing human body temperature and manifesting itself in a fever. The heightened body temperature then cooks the pigs, turning them into tiny “bacon-like bits.” The bacon clogs the body’s air passages and arteries alike, resulting in coughing, sneezing, and an increased risk for a massive heart attack.

The announcement has set off panic throughout the country. That hysteria has only be exacerbated by the fact that the swine flu vaccine, developed based on scientists’ initial misperceptions about the virus, has proven to increase fear and thus, spread the virus. “Yeah,” explained Meeks, “guess we blew that one too, our bad.”

Die Quickly Plan Fends Off Criticism

OCTOBER 22, 2009 (Hartford, CT) – Two weeks after being criticized on the floor of the House of Representatives by Congressman Alan Grayson (D-Florida), Die Quickly Mutual is fighting back. “Ever since Havery Die and Martin Quickly formed this company one hundred years ago, Die Quickly has been recognized as the right plan for working class families,” said CEO Rick Saunders. “If Representative Grayson doesn’t want American families on the Die Quickly plan, then his plan for the hard working people of this country might as well be the ‘Die Eventually’ plan.” (Representatives of the Die Eventually plan did not return requests for comment before the deadline for this article.)

Die Quickly also objected to Representative Grayson characterizing it as a “Republican” plan. “The Die Quickly option is available to all individuals,” explained Saunders, “regardless of their race, creed, color, or political affiliation.” Indeed, an analysis of contributions indicated that Die Quickly Mutual employees made almost as many contributions to Democrats as to Republicans.

For their part, Republicans have vehemently denied that they support enrolling uninsured Americans in the Die Quickly plan. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell chortled, “well, maybe one day it will start raining silver and snowing gold, but until then, we can’t afford to pay for all these people to go the Die Quickly route.”

Still, some doubts still linger over the Die Quickly plan. Experts at Yale have determined that nearly all participants in the Die Quickly plan have eventually died. The company remains defiant. “Sure, some of our customers have passed on,” said Saunders, “but a few lived years or even decades before their deaths.” Saunders said that he did not have any statistics on the life expectancy of Die Quickly plan participants immediately available.

Rest of World Awards Obama Peace Consolation Prize In Lieu of Actual Peace

OCTOBER 10, 2009 (Oslo, Norway) – U.S. President Barack Obama was swept into office last November on a platform of change, hope, peace, love, and general grooviness. The rest of the world lobbied America hard to elect the non-white agent of change, suggesting that it would reduce its generally high level of spikiness towards the world’s primary superpower and premier t-shirt producing nation.

However, in the nine months since taking office, Obama has generally found it a tough road to hoe with the U.S.’s traditional allies and enemies alike. Wars continue to rage in Afghanistan and Iraq, with weakening Western support. North Korea and Iran continue to pursue weapons of mass destruction. And the Israelis and Palestinians are refusing to even sit down to discuss their now six decade old dispute.

(While Obama does appear to have inspired indie-rock legends Pavement to reunite, their first shows are not scheduled until May of 2010, and many have serious doubts as to whether mercurial lead singer Stephen Malkmus will actually go through with the reunion.)

Against this backdrop, the Nobel Committee awarded Obama its coveted Peace Prize, citing his, “extraordinary participation” in the world community. The Committee further noted that the “participation” trophy was awarded to Obama because of the stark contrast with the prior administration, which favored war over peace, told the rest of the world to “go f*?#” itself, and stole Christmas every year from 2003 through 2007.

McState of New York Announces Sponsorship Deal With McDonald’s

OCTOBER 3, 2009 (Albany, N.Y.) – Facing sinking poll numbers, budget shortfalls, and even a Presidential rebuff, McGovernor David Paterson announced today that the McState of New York had entered into a strategic sponsorship deal with the fast food chain McDonald’s. Under the terms of the deal, the most government positions and even the sovereignty itself (formerly known as the “State” of New York), were renamed to add the distinctive McDonald’s “Mc” prefix. In addition, all signs at the McState’s borders welcoming visitors will be replaced with McDonald’s amber arches. Cafeterias in all McState office buildings and public schools will also be replaced with McDonald’s restaurants. Under the final terms of the deal, which were slightly more controversial, McDonald’s will also assume full control over the New York National Guard and McDonald’s spokesperson, Ronald McDonald, will be appointed as the McState Health Commissioner.

McGovernor Paterson’s only comment was, “I’m lovin’ it” – invoking one of McDonald’s advertising slogans. (The McGovernor’s aides indicated he was enjoying his lunch, consisting of a Supersized BigMac Value Meal, as dictated by the terms of the sponsorship agreement.)

The deal was struck through an Executive Order issued by the McGovernor as the New York McState Senate has been in a state of “low-level” civil war since early June of this year. Republican Senate Leader Dean Skelos criticized the deal, arguing that the McState could have gotten a better deal with Burger King.

A number of other states with budget problems are also considering sponsorship deals. At the end of the fiscal year, Arizona is expected to become the State of Arizona Iced Tea and Hawaii will become the Hawaiian Tropic State of Hawaii. The nation’s largest state, California, is reportedly in discussions with Quicksilver, Smoothie King, and the upcoming Michael Bay film, Transformers 3.

The prospect of sponsorship deals have also inspired turf wars between various branches of federal, state, and local government. Pennsylvania recently outlawed a deal between the City of Philadelphia and Tastykake in order to pursue its own deal with the junk food company, with Governor Ed Rendell defiantly noting that, “it is Pennsylvania that proudly holds the title of fatest state in America, not the City of Philadelphia.” The Federal Trade Commission also recently stepped in to stop Montana from renaming itself “Marlboro Country.”