Responsible Corporate Citizen Attempts to Stop Oil Spill with “Junk Shot”; Settles Debts

MAY 15, 2010 (New Orleans, LA) – Over three weeks after a off-shore oil rig exploded and began spewing crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico, British Petroleum has come up with a new plan to stop the flow of oil. Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles said that BP would attempt a “junk shot,” whereby the company will shoot “junk” into the breach of the oil pipeline. The junk BP intends to use extra U.S. currency as the “junk.”

Suttles explained, “we needed something to use as the ‘junk,’ and we’ve got a lot of cash lying around, so we figured, what the hell?” Suttles also used the opportunity to “settle up” BP’s liabilities for the spill. “Well, our liability is legally capped at $75 million – thanks to our friends in Congress – so, here’s 80, keep the change,” he said, tossing four twenty million dollar bills at group of assembled fishermen. The U.S. Mint began printing the twenty million dollar bill, featuring the image of former President George W. Bush, in 2007 when oil profits soared on $120/barrel oil.

Americans Celebrate “Mexican New Year”

MAY 5, 2010 (Sheboygan, WI) – “To the Mexican New Year!” exclaimed Gregg Jones as he swallowed his fourth tequila shot of the evening. “Or the Mexican Independence Day, whatever,” he elaborated after sucking on a lime. So was the scene across the United States, where Americans flocked to Mexican-themed restaurants and bars to devour margaritas and marked-up Mexican beer. “Today is not just about Mexico,” proclaimed Jones, expressing a sentiment felt widely among Americans. “It is about public drunkenness.”

In fact, Cinco de Mayo is not the “Mexican Independence Day” or “New Year.” Mexicans celebrate their Independence on September 16th (“Grito de Delores”), commemorating the battle cry of Independence uttered against the Spanish colonial government in 1810. Mexicans celebrate the New Year on January 1st – with the rest of the world. Cinco de Mayo actually commemorates the Mexican army's unlikely victory over larger French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862.

Largely overlooked in Mexico, Cinco de Mayo has been popularized in the United States by the marketing arms of Mexican-themed restaurants like Chili’s, Chipolte, and Chevy’s Fresh Mex, as well as Mexican beer conglomerate Grupo Modelo (owned by Anheuser-Busch) and the U.S.-based Patrón Spirits Company.

German Army Declares Victory in Manhattan’s East Village

MAY 3, 2010 (New York, NY) – The German military is set to declare a partial victory in its long-standing battle to gain control of hip neighborhoods in New York City. German officials are reportedly set to open a new headquarters on the southwest corner of Second Avenue and Second Street in the East Village section of Manhattan. The new outpost will effectively secure the neighborhood, complimenting the current German station, nicknamed Zum Schneider, on Avenue C.

The opening of the new headquarters marks an important milestone in Germany’s six year old quest. Beginning in the winter of 2004, bearded German military operatives began infiltrating bars and restaurants in Lower Manhattan. Years of drinking and smoking on the streets appears to have finally won over the hearts and minds of the people in one of those neighborhoods. Hostilities, however, continue in the nearby Lower East Side and across the East River in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg.

Aerosmith Wins Grammy for Best New Artist

JANUARY 31, 2010 (Los Angeles, CA) – Amid the dazzle and glow of the Grammy Awards, one hot new group stood out. The Boston-based quintet Aerosmith, which took home the Grammy for Best New Artist, was the talk of the show. “These kids got real potential – they’re really making a big impact on the Industry,” explained Recording Academy President Sid Hasenfeld.

At the same time that they acknowledged the group’s success, however, Academy officials also tried to downplay claims that they were upstaging Artist of the Year winner Frank Sinatra. “Hey, these kids have young blood, that’s what everybody wants to see, but c’mon now, Frankie’s the king,” said Hasenfeld.

Unfortunately, lead singer Steven Tyler, recovering from hip-replacement surgery, was not able to attend to show. Three other members of the group were also unable to attend due to various medical ailments. Thankfully, guitarist Joe Perry – well known to the public from widely aired series of erectile dysfunction ads – was able to accept the award on the group’s behalf.

Aerosmith was originally formed in 1970 and was inducted into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame in 2001. Frank Sinatra, who died in 1998, has managed to win every Grammy for Artist of the Year since 1972.

Democrats Concede Defeat; Resign Government Positions and Dissolve Party

JANUARY 28, 2010 (Washington, DC) – In a shocking move, President Barack Obama resigned midway through Wednesday evening’s State of the Union speech. Obama, departing from his scripted remarks, and with a somewhat befuddled gaze announced, “you know, who are we Democrats kidding, we’re just not cut out for this governing stuff.” Obama, the 44th President, then promptly announced his resignation and walked out of the joint session of Congress. His announcement came approximately forty minutes into the speech, most of which was spent recounting his attempts to reach bipartisan compromise with the Republican minority in the hopes that they would agree to allow a handful of his initiatives to pass.

Even more shocking, however, were the string of other Democratic resignations that followed. Vice-President Joe Biden, who was seated behind Obama during the speech, immediately stepped up to the rostrum after Obama left. Sternly looking out into the audience, he began, “where others falter, I do not. No my friends, I intend to carry on – the fight continues and, as the late Senator Edward Kennedy said, the dream shall never die.” Biden paused as his statement echoed throughout the chamber. Then with a broad grin and a shrug of the shoulders, he continued, “only kidding of course!” Biden then resigned himself and walked out of the chamber.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, the next in the line of Presidential succession, continued the trend, admitting that she was “also a life-long Democrat, and consequently, entirely unfit to govern.” The string of resignations by those in the line of Presidential succession was then only interrupted briefly when 92 year old Senate President Pro Tempore Robert Bird attempted to pass a $700 billion stipend for West Virginia coal miners. After the measure failed with no support at all, Bird resigned in disgust and announced that he intended to rejoin the Senate as a member of the Republican Party.

At a press conference shortly afterwards, Democratic National Committee leader Tim Kaine then announced that the party would be filing for Chapter 7 dissolution. The Democratic members of Congress then either resigned or switched parties.

Republican House leader John Boehner was then briefly elevated to Speaker of the House before being sworn in as the nation’s 45th President. The new Republican government acted quickly to pass its “More War, Lower Taxes” agenda. The GOP majority managed to eliminate the I.R.S., pass a Constitutional Amendment criminalizing homosexuality, and declare war on “Iran, North Korea, Syria, Pakistan, China, Venezuela, Cuba, Russia, Somalia, Hamas, Israel, ‘Old Europe,’ Haiti, Canada, and anyone else with a problem” all within four hours of taking power. “We are gonna f@#! those motherf@#!ers up!” declared newly confirmed Secretary of State Michele Bachmann.

Review: James Cameron’s Avatar Is, Like, The Totally Awesomest Movie Ever

DECEMBER 24, 2009 (Los Angeles, CA) – A panel of critically-acclaimed critics agree that James Cameron’s Avatar is the most awesomest, bodacious, sweetest, dude-ical film in the history of time. Cameron, who probably either directed or produced the film, was humble in accepting the well-deserved kudos. “I set out to make the greatest movie since the movie pictures were first developed a century ago,” he explained. “And, there can be no question that we succeeded. Avatar is so beloved, its logo appears everywhere, alongside that of Coca-Cola and America, itself”

Indeed, while hundreds of millions of dollars were spent making the film, even more was spent advertising it. Indeed, one financial analyst estimates that Avatar’s advertising onslaught cost more than the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan combined. “The ‘Avatar’ logo appears on television, on bill boards, on long boards, on football fields, on Happy Meals – even advertisements for other products! Everything from knap-sacks to hacky-sacks bears this glorious symbol of Hollywood perfection – and its all thanks to me.” Indeed, the film’s advertisements also highlight Cameron’s other blockbuster films, like The Terminator, which he also (presumably) either directed or produced.

The critical survey was based on a thorough six month double-blind review of a wide range of Avatar’s advertising and product placement spots. The critics were not, however, able to review the actual film as the study began when the advertising did – approximately one year prior to the film’s release date.

Bruce Willis Hospitalized With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

DECEMBER 23, 2009 (Los Angeles, CA) – A spokesperson for Bruce Willis announced today that the action star has been hospitalized with post-traumatic stress disorder. Willis’ spokesperson explained that, “the holidays are very hard on Mr. Willis.” Willis was checked in to the medical facility by his friend, and former co-star, Brad Pitt.

The spokesperson noted that Willis had experienced extremely stressful life-threatening events during the holiday season. “It started when Mr. Willis became an unwilling participant in international terrorist Hans Gruber’s Christmas Eve takeover of Nakatomi Plaza. Then, the very next year on Christmas Eve, Mr. Willis was forced to foil a terrorist takeover of Dulles International Airport.”

When asked if Willis was confusing his real life with that of “John McClane” – the character he played in the popular Die Hard films – the spokesperson was defiant. He elaborated, “look, the facts are undeniable – the man had to jump off the roof of an exploding building with only a fire hose tied around his waist and then had to shoot his way through the glass exterior to get back in to the building – that would be extremely traumatic for anybody.” The spokesperson added that Gruber’s brother, Jeremy Irons, who also terrorized Willis, remains at large and that Willis often runs into him at holiday parties. “Surely, no one can seriously question that Jeremy Irons must be made to pay for his crimes. Certainly, Mr. Willis, and indeed the entire world, is not safe with him walking the earth as a free man. I mean – did you see The Pink Panther 2? That was an atrocity.”