Responsible Corporate Citizen Attempts to Stop Oil Spill with “Junk Shot”; Settles Debts

MAY 15, 2010 (New Orleans, LA) – Over three weeks after a off-shore oil rig exploded and began spewing crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico, British Petroleum has come up with a new plan to stop the flow of oil. Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles said that BP would attempt a “junk shot,” whereby the company will shoot “junk” into the breach of the oil pipeline. The junk BP intends to use extra U.S. currency as the “junk.”

Suttles explained, “we needed something to use as the ‘junk,’ and we’ve got a lot of cash lying around, so we figured, what the hell?” Suttles also used the opportunity to “settle up” BP’s liabilities for the spill. “Well, our liability is legally capped at $75 million – thanks to our friends in Congress – so, here’s 80, keep the change,” he said, tossing four twenty million dollar bills at group of assembled fishermen. The U.S. Mint began printing the twenty million dollar bill, featuring the image of former President George W. Bush, in 2007 when oil profits soared on $120/barrel oil.