Review: James Cameron’s Avatar Is, Like, The Totally Awesomest Movie Ever

DECEMBER 24, 2009 (Los Angeles, CA) – A panel of critically-acclaimed critics agree that James Cameron’s Avatar is the most awesomest, bodacious, sweetest, dude-ical film in the history of time. Cameron, who probably either directed or produced the film, was humble in accepting the well-deserved kudos. “I set out to make the greatest movie since the movie pictures were first developed a century ago,” he explained. “And, there can be no question that we succeeded. Avatar is so beloved, its logo appears everywhere, alongside that of Coca-Cola and America, itself”

Indeed, while hundreds of millions of dollars were spent making the film, even more was spent advertising it. Indeed, one financial analyst estimates that Avatar’s advertising onslaught cost more than the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan combined. “The ‘Avatar’ logo appears on television, on bill boards, on long boards, on football fields, on Happy Meals – even advertisements for other products! Everything from knap-sacks to hacky-sacks bears this glorious symbol of Hollywood perfection – and its all thanks to me.” Indeed, the film’s advertisements also highlight Cameron’s other blockbuster films, like The Terminator, which he also (presumably) either directed or produced.

The critical survey was based on a thorough six month double-blind review of a wide range of Avatar’s advertising and product placement spots. The critics were not, however, able to review the actual film as the study began when the advertising did – approximately one year prior to the film’s release date.

Bruce Willis Hospitalized With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

DECEMBER 23, 2009 (Los Angeles, CA) – A spokesperson for Bruce Willis announced today that the action star has been hospitalized with post-traumatic stress disorder. Willis’ spokesperson explained that, “the holidays are very hard on Mr. Willis.” Willis was checked in to the medical facility by his friend, and former co-star, Brad Pitt.

The spokesperson noted that Willis had experienced extremely stressful life-threatening events during the holiday season. “It started when Mr. Willis became an unwilling participant in international terrorist Hans Gruber’s Christmas Eve takeover of Nakatomi Plaza. Then, the very next year on Christmas Eve, Mr. Willis was forced to foil a terrorist takeover of Dulles International Airport.”

When asked if Willis was confusing his real life with that of “John McClane” – the character he played in the popular Die Hard films – the spokesperson was defiant. He elaborated, “look, the facts are undeniable – the man had to jump off the roof of an exploding building with only a fire hose tied around his waist and then had to shoot his way through the glass exterior to get back in to the building – that would be extremely traumatic for anybody.” The spokesperson added that Gruber’s brother, Jeremy Irons, who also terrorized Willis, remains at large and that Willis often runs into him at holiday parties. “Surely, no one can seriously question that Jeremy Irons must be made to pay for his crimes. Certainly, Mr. Willis, and indeed the entire world, is not safe with him walking the earth as a free man. I mean – did you see The Pink Panther 2? That was an atrocity.”

Study: Dying Alone Not So Bad After All

DECEMBER 18, 2009 (Bethesda, MD) – Researchers at a government financed laboratory made a startling discovery in the early hours of Friday morning. At press conference later that day, NIH Chief Scientist Caroline Marks explained: “after years of study, we have determined that people who die together still end up dead.” Marks added that, “moreover, people who do actually die at the same time as their partner tend to die a horrific and sudden death.” She elaborated that most people who die alone, die peacefully in their beds.

The shocking news swept the nation, as long-standing couples immediately broke up, realizing that they had no real purpose to be together. Similarly, wedding halls around the country reported massive cancellations as people realized that their futile attempts at avoiding the lonely, cold clammy hands of death were futile. “I had hoped that my marriage could bring me comfort and help me through my old age it came time for me to face my maker,” explained Gregg Jones of Newport News, Virginia. “Now I realize, there is no resisting death. You might as well go it alone.”

Other couples, however, like Moira and Felix Harrington of Corpus Christi, Texas, said they would remain married. “Even if we have to die,” explained Moira, “at least we can collect the tax break before then.”