Responsible Corporate Citizen Attempts to Stop Oil Spill with “Junk Shot”; Settles Debts

MAY 15, 2010 (New Orleans, LA) – Over three weeks after a off-shore oil rig exploded and began spewing crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico, British Petroleum has come up with a new plan to stop the flow of oil. Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles said that BP would attempt a “junk shot,” whereby the company will shoot “junk” into the breach of the oil pipeline. The junk BP intends to use extra U.S. currency as the “junk.”

Suttles explained, “we needed something to use as the ‘junk,’ and we’ve got a lot of cash lying around, so we figured, what the hell?” Suttles also used the opportunity to “settle up” BP’s liabilities for the spill. “Well, our liability is legally capped at $75 million – thanks to our friends in Congress – so, here’s 80, keep the change,” he said, tossing four twenty million dollar bills at group of assembled fishermen. The U.S. Mint began printing the twenty million dollar bill, featuring the image of former President George W. Bush, in 2007 when oil profits soared on $120/barrel oil.

Americans Celebrate “Mexican New Year”

MAY 5, 2010 (Sheboygan, WI) – “To the Mexican New Year!” exclaimed Gregg Jones as he swallowed his fourth tequila shot of the evening. “Or the Mexican Independence Day, whatever,” he elaborated after sucking on a lime. So was the scene across the United States, where Americans flocked to Mexican-themed restaurants and bars to devour margaritas and marked-up Mexican beer. “Today is not just about Mexico,” proclaimed Jones, expressing a sentiment felt widely among Americans. “It is about public drunkenness.”

In fact, Cinco de Mayo is not the “Mexican Independence Day” or “New Year.” Mexicans celebrate their Independence on September 16th (“Grito de Delores”), commemorating the battle cry of Independence uttered against the Spanish colonial government in 1810. Mexicans celebrate the New Year on January 1st – with the rest of the world. Cinco de Mayo actually commemorates the Mexican army's unlikely victory over larger French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862.

Largely overlooked in Mexico, Cinco de Mayo has been popularized in the United States by the marketing arms of Mexican-themed restaurants like Chili’s, Chipolte, and Chevy’s Fresh Mex, as well as Mexican beer conglomerate Grupo Modelo (owned by Anheuser-Busch) and the U.S.-based Patrón Spirits Company.

German Army Declares Victory in Manhattan’s East Village

MAY 3, 2010 (New York, NY) – The German military is set to declare a partial victory in its long-standing battle to gain control of hip neighborhoods in New York City. German officials are reportedly set to open a new headquarters on the southwest corner of Second Avenue and Second Street in the East Village section of Manhattan. The new outpost will effectively secure the neighborhood, complimenting the current German station, nicknamed Zum Schneider, on Avenue C.

The opening of the new headquarters marks an important milestone in Germany’s six year old quest. Beginning in the winter of 2004, bearded German military operatives began infiltrating bars and restaurants in Lower Manhattan. Years of drinking and smoking on the streets appears to have finally won over the hearts and minds of the people in one of those neighborhoods. Hostilities, however, continue in the nearby Lower East Side and across the East River in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg.