SEPTEMBER 24, 2009 (New York, N.Y.) – Perhaps it was Iran’s repeated refusal to recognize Israel’s right to exist. Perhaps it was Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s recent repeated denial that the Holocaust occurred. Regardless, the Israeli government appears to have officially taken the position that Iran “does not exist.”
On Wednesday, the Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly got up and left prior to Mr. Ahmadinejad’s widely publicized speech. Netanyahu’s move was not a surprise, since Israel regularly boycott’s the Iranian leader’s speeches. However, Mr. Netanyahu’s explanation came as a bit of a surprise: “the speeches are over,” he proclaimed as he left. When later asked what he meant, Mr. Netanyahu explained, “there was no one left to speak, so there was no reason to stay.” When asked about Mr. Ahmadinejad’s speech, Mr. Netanyahu claimed ignorance. “Who? Never heard of the guy.” Later, Israel suggested that the offices used by the Iranian delegation be converted to a “janitor’s closet” since they were “not in use.”
Shortly after the comments, globes and maps began appearing in Israel with no indication as the name of or existence of a country where Iran is located. The Israeli Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman later explained that, “since nothing exists in the area formerly known as Persia, it would probably be a good place to set up some new settlements.”
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Congressman’s Outburst Reveals Larger Plot to Derail Healthcare With “Unorthodox” Tactics
SEPTEMBER 24, 2009 (Washington, D.C.) – The two weeks following Congressman Joe Wilson’s now infamous outburst during President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress on health care have marked the unveiling of a larger plot by the Republican opposition to bring down the President’s plan through a series of juvenile pranks.Within days, Republican Congressional staffers assaulted White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs during a press briefing with a barrage of spitballs. A flaming bag of dog excrement was discovered in the doorway at the home of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and former President Bill Clinton. Eggs were hurled from a fast moving vehicle at the home of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada). Senator John Tester (D-Montana) arrived home to his ranch to find all of his cows tipped over.
But it didn’t end there. A group of Republican Congressmen began following Vice-President Joe Biden around during all of his public appearances chanting, “Bi-den, Bi-den.” The chants resembled a derogatory cheer used by opposing baseball fans to deride former New York Mets outfielder Darryl Strawberry. Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) similarly complained about a group of Republican Senators following her around making catcalls. Then, yesterday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was found attempting to slip a whoopee cushion under ailing Senator Robert C. Byrd as he gavelled the Senate to order.
Republican Congressman Zack Wamp (R-Tennessee) declared that these acts “are just the beginning.” Wamp outlined a larger scheme, explaining that should a health care reform bill ever pass the Senate they plan to abduct President Obama and “bring him down to the basement.” There, according to Wamp, “we’re gonna take it to Defcon 5.” Obama, reminiscent of fraternity hazing, would then be subjected to forcible consumption of pure grain alcohol, induced vomiting, followed by forcible consumption of the induced vomit. With a gleam in his eye, Wamp declared, “he’s soft, ‘hell week’ is gonna break ‘em!”
In another maneuver culled from the play book of male junior high school insults, G.O.P. insiders revealed that they were looking to “move in” on the President’s “girl.” This afternoon, Senator John Cornyn (R-Texas), allegedly sent an email to First Lady Michelle Obama asking if she wanted to come over to “his place” to “study” the bill. Cornyn reportedly became increasingly nervous after several hours passed without receiving a reply from the First Lady. (Aides have reportedly restrained the Senator from resending the email after he decided that “there must have been some problem and she didn’t get it.”)
Senator Al Franken (D-Minnesota), author of Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations, decried the campaign of pranks. “These are the world’s greatest democratic institutions. Decorum demands that my good colleagues pay a bit more respect to the traditions of our great deliberative bodies than a bunch of luded-up teenagers out on Gate Night.”
But according to some on the right, while their current tactics may be “unorthodox,” the Democrats “started it.” One Republican Congressman, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had been “beating up” most of the Republican delegation from California since at least 2006 and “stealing” their “lunch money.”
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Obama’s Death Panel Nominations Leaked: Kevorkian Tapped As Chairman
SEPTEMBER 8, 2009 (Washington, D.C.) – In a stunning contradiction of official White House policy, aides to President Obama have leaked a short list of individuals expected to be nominated to government-run “Death Panel” that will go into effect once the President’s health care reform plan is passed.
According to official correspondence, the Death Panels (officially titled the Reduction of Excess American Population Examination and Review, or “REAPER” Panel) will be headed by Dr. Jack Kevorkian, also known as “Dr. Death” for his advocacy of assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. In a quote that is widely circulating on cable news, but remains unconfirmed, Kevorkian was reportedly overheard saying that “autistic babies and grandparents will be the first to go.”
The Death Panels will be officially charged with determining whether the sick, infirm, and elderly will be provided with health care or put to sleep. The Congressional Budget Office estimates indicate that the move will save at least $480 billion over the next ten years; however, even with the meek and infirm being eliminated, the CBO still indicates that the U.S. deficit will exceed one trillion dollars. Some believe that if the tired, huddled masses yearning to breathe free are also included in the Death Panel review, the U.S. could return to fiscal stability by 2020.
The short list also includes the names of other proposed committee members. In a move sure to raise some eyebrows, former domestic terrorist and close friend of President Obama, Bill Ayers was included. Some insiders also suggested that President Obama would officially pardon the "Unabomber," Ted Kaczynski, so that he can participate. Other insiders revealed that "Hannibal Lecter," the serial killer in The Silence of the Lambs, was also on the short list until he was discovered to be a fictional character. Anthony Hopkins, the actor who portrayed Lecter in the film, acknowledged that he had conversations with the President's aides, but declined to comment on the substance of those communications. A White House advisor defended the list, commenting, “hey, if we’re going to return this country to fiscal solvency and provide health care to the middle class we’re going to have to kill off some of the low hanging fruit, and well, we're just looking for folks have experience getting that done.”
According to official correspondence, the Death Panels (officially titled the Reduction of Excess American Population Examination and Review, or “REAPER” Panel) will be headed by Dr. Jack Kevorkian, also known as “Dr. Death” for his advocacy of assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. In a quote that is widely circulating on cable news, but remains unconfirmed, Kevorkian was reportedly overheard saying that “autistic babies and grandparents will be the first to go.”
The Death Panels will be officially charged with determining whether the sick, infirm, and elderly will be provided with health care or put to sleep. The Congressional Budget Office estimates indicate that the move will save at least $480 billion over the next ten years; however, even with the meek and infirm being eliminated, the CBO still indicates that the U.S. deficit will exceed one trillion dollars. Some believe that if the tired, huddled masses yearning to breathe free are also included in the Death Panel review, the U.S. could return to fiscal stability by 2020.
The short list also includes the names of other proposed committee members. In a move sure to raise some eyebrows, former domestic terrorist and close friend of President Obama, Bill Ayers was included. Some insiders also suggested that President Obama would officially pardon the "Unabomber," Ted Kaczynski, so that he can participate. Other insiders revealed that "Hannibal Lecter," the serial killer in The Silence of the Lambs, was also on the short list until he was discovered to be a fictional character. Anthony Hopkins, the actor who portrayed Lecter in the film, acknowledged that he had conversations with the President's aides, but declined to comment on the substance of those communications. A White House advisor defended the list, commenting, “hey, if we’re going to return this country to fiscal solvency and provide health care to the middle class we’re going to have to kill off some of the low hanging fruit, and well, we're just looking for folks have experience getting that done.”
House Minority Leader John Boehner voiced skepticism for the proposal, arguing that the sick and infirm should be sent to the front lines in the never ending War on Terror to die a virtuous death in battle instead of merely being put to sleep in a government run facility. “Just give these people some glory,” explained Boehner, “that’s what I say – hell, that’s how I’d want to go.”
Investigative Report: FreeCreditReport.com Guy Actually Has Good Credit
AUGUST 10, 2009 (Martinsburg, W.V.) – This is the first of a nine part series investigating the details underneath the comforting façade of the freecreditreport.com pitchman, Duane Jones. While Jones plays a dead-beat “everyman” on the popular television ad series, he is, in fact, a quite wealthy and sophisticated investor. And, contrary to his on-air persona, the state of his finances and credit are, in fact, excellent.
Jones, a West Virginia native, got straight A’s through grade school, until attending the prestigious University of Chicago, where he received a bachelor’s degree in Economics, summa cum laude. He went on to receive his PhD at the London School of Economics, completing the five year program in a record two and one half years.
After graduating, he went to work for a number of Fortune 500 companies before landing at freecreditreport.com. At every step of the way, however, HR records indicate that Jones maxed out his 401k contributions and savvily invested large portions of his disposable income, while hiring illegal migrant workers to do most of his labor for him.
Next Week: Learn how Jones lost his virginity to a farm animal before leaving for Chicago where he roofied his first girlfriend.
Jones, a West Virginia native, got straight A’s through grade school, until attending the prestigious University of Chicago, where he received a bachelor’s degree in Economics, summa cum laude. He went on to receive his PhD at the London School of Economics, completing the five year program in a record two and one half years.
After graduating, he went to work for a number of Fortune 500 companies before landing at freecreditreport.com. At every step of the way, however, HR records indicate that Jones maxed out his 401k contributions and savvily invested large portions of his disposable income, while hiring illegal migrant workers to do most of his labor for him.
Next Week: Learn how Jones lost his virginity to a farm animal before leaving for Chicago where he roofied his first girlfriend.
Later: Jones admits that he lip-synched the entire first three years worth of freecreditreport.com commercials.
Government Announces Bailout of AMC
JUNE 5, 2009 (Washington, D.C.) - The Obama Administration announced today that the Federal Government will bail out American Motors Corporation. A long standing U.S. based automaker, AMC produced popular models such as the Rambler, Gremlin, and Hornet. AMC was known for using innovative strategies to challenge the Big Three U.S. auto manufacturers, including the early pioneering of battery technology for electric cars. However, the company fell on hard times and ran out of cash. The Obama Administration announced that the bailout was necessary in order to save thousands of jobs and continue to revive the domestic auto industry.
According to the plan, the Government will take a 60% stake in AMC, with the UAW taking 38% and bondholders receiving the remaining 2%. The Government believes that AMC can be revived with the introduction of the Gremlin Hybrid in 2011 (see sketch of concept car).
Critics of the plan point out that AMC actually ran out of cash in 1988, when its Jeep and Eagle models were absorbed by Chrysler, suggesting that the bailout is both unnecessary and belated. They further note that AMC’s main plant is located in Wisconsin, an electoral swing state.
According to the plan, the Government will take a 60% stake in AMC, with the UAW taking 38% and bondholders receiving the remaining 2%. The Government believes that AMC can be revived with the introduction of the Gremlin Hybrid in 2011 (see sketch of concept car).
Critics of the plan point out that AMC actually ran out of cash in 1988, when its Jeep and Eagle models were absorbed by Chrysler, suggesting that the bailout is both unnecessary and belated. They further note that AMC’s main plant is located in Wisconsin, an electoral swing state.
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