Aerosmith Wins Grammy for Best New Artist

JANUARY 31, 2010 (Los Angeles, CA) – Amid the dazzle and glow of the Grammy Awards, one hot new group stood out. The Boston-based quintet Aerosmith, which took home the Grammy for Best New Artist, was the talk of the show. “These kids got real potential – they’re really making a big impact on the Industry,” explained Recording Academy President Sid Hasenfeld.

At the same time that they acknowledged the group’s success, however, Academy officials also tried to downplay claims that they were upstaging Artist of the Year winner Frank Sinatra. “Hey, these kids have young blood, that’s what everybody wants to see, but c’mon now, Frankie’s the king,” said Hasenfeld.

Unfortunately, lead singer Steven Tyler, recovering from hip-replacement surgery, was not able to attend to show. Three other members of the group were also unable to attend due to various medical ailments. Thankfully, guitarist Joe Perry – well known to the public from widely aired series of erectile dysfunction ads – was able to accept the award on the group’s behalf.

Aerosmith was originally formed in 1970 and was inducted into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame in 2001. Frank Sinatra, who died in 1998, has managed to win every Grammy for Artist of the Year since 1972.

Democrats Concede Defeat; Resign Government Positions and Dissolve Party

JANUARY 28, 2010 (Washington, DC) – In a shocking move, President Barack Obama resigned midway through Wednesday evening’s State of the Union speech. Obama, departing from his scripted remarks, and with a somewhat befuddled gaze announced, “you know, who are we Democrats kidding, we’re just not cut out for this governing stuff.” Obama, the 44th President, then promptly announced his resignation and walked out of the joint session of Congress. His announcement came approximately forty minutes into the speech, most of which was spent recounting his attempts to reach bipartisan compromise with the Republican minority in the hopes that they would agree to allow a handful of his initiatives to pass.

Even more shocking, however, were the string of other Democratic resignations that followed. Vice-President Joe Biden, who was seated behind Obama during the speech, immediately stepped up to the rostrum after Obama left. Sternly looking out into the audience, he began, “where others falter, I do not. No my friends, I intend to carry on – the fight continues and, as the late Senator Edward Kennedy said, the dream shall never die.” Biden paused as his statement echoed throughout the chamber. Then with a broad grin and a shrug of the shoulders, he continued, “only kidding of course!” Biden then resigned himself and walked out of the chamber.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, the next in the line of Presidential succession, continued the trend, admitting that she was “also a life-long Democrat, and consequently, entirely unfit to govern.” The string of resignations by those in the line of Presidential succession was then only interrupted briefly when 92 year old Senate President Pro Tempore Robert Bird attempted to pass a $700 billion stipend for West Virginia coal miners. After the measure failed with no support at all, Bird resigned in disgust and announced that he intended to rejoin the Senate as a member of the Republican Party.

At a press conference shortly afterwards, Democratic National Committee leader Tim Kaine then announced that the party would be filing for Chapter 7 dissolution. The Democratic members of Congress then either resigned or switched parties.

Republican House leader John Boehner was then briefly elevated to Speaker of the House before being sworn in as the nation’s 45th President. The new Republican government acted quickly to pass its “More War, Lower Taxes” agenda. The GOP majority managed to eliminate the I.R.S., pass a Constitutional Amendment criminalizing homosexuality, and declare war on “Iran, North Korea, Syria, Pakistan, China, Venezuela, Cuba, Russia, Somalia, Hamas, Israel, ‘Old Europe,’ Haiti, Canada, and anyone else with a problem” all within four hours of taking power. “We are gonna f@#! those motherf@#!ers up!” declared newly confirmed Secretary of State Michele Bachmann.